911 for Parents: Have a New Kid by Friday by Kevin Leman

For frazzled parents who can't get through to The Nanny but need help yesterday, best-selling media family psychologist Kevin Leman has a brand-new parent-help book out, Have a New Kid by Friday: How to Change Your Child's Attitude, Behavior & Character in 5 Days, which promises improvement by next week..

Actually, he promises to get you ready to start in five days, having absorbed his general schema for encouraging desired behavior on Monday through Friday. He swears you'll be saying, "I can't wait for my kids to misbehave. I'm ready for them." If that sounds a bit flip, it's only Leman's characteristic dry wit at work. His very sensible, down-to-earth advice is dealt out with an honest humor honed by many stints as psychological talking head on programs from Good Morning, America to Oprah.

"There's a conspiracy going on right in your own home. The ankle biter battalion and the hormone group each have a game plan guaranteed to drive you up the wall," Leman writes. "They are part of the entitlement group." Leman's thesis is that the parents' job is not to make their children "happy" or filled with "self-esteem." "Nothing in life is a free ride," he points out. Children gain, not "self-esteem," but self-worth by being responsible members of a family, by being responsible for the outcomes of their actions. Here are his three rules of thumb:

1. Let reality be the teacher where you can (unless, of course, serious safety issues are involved).

2. Learn to respond, not react personally, to children's behavior.

3. Use the B doesn't happen until A is completed strategy, as in "I didn't like the way you acted when I asked you to clear the table. I'm not driving you to Josh's house today." (Turn and walk away)

As he points out, somewhat to our surprise, parents really hold all the cards. We have the money, we have the food, we have the cars, and, most of all, we have what kids want the most--our attention and approval, he emphasizes.

Leman is not advocating parental detachment. He reminds the reader that all children, tots to teens, want and need their parents' attention and approval desperately. His three pillars for building a solid sense of self worth are to help the child feel 1)unconditional acceptance 2) a sense of belonging to a family, and 3)a sense of personal competence. Approval, however, should not be in the form of praise which tells the child how "good" he is, but which encourages good "actions." (Not "You are so totally wonderful," but "I noticed how you came up with a way to help your little sister find her toy without being asked.")

Leman's quick-fix manual contains a very useful alphabetical section of tips on problem areas from "Bedtime" to "Wardrobe," (where he points out that "Children wear costumes every day; they may look like clothes but they are actually carefully thought-out costumes.") Aimed at the mostly garden variety parent-child conflicts, rather than the so-called "spirited" or "strong-willed" child, Leman offers his newest guide to solutions for common child-raising hassles. For a somewhat more detailed look at strategies for child raising, you might also take a look at Leman's best-selling classic Making Children Mind without Losing Yours.