Under the Christmas Tree: Junie B., First Grader: Jingle Bells, Batman Smells, (P.S.: So Does May)

For my money, Barbara Park is the funniest writer for kids ever, and her hilarious Christmas sequel, Junie B., First Grader: Jingle Bells, Batman Smells! (P.S. So Does May): Junie B. Jones #25 (Junie B., First Grader) (Random House Stepping Stone Books, 2005) is one of her best. I had read it when it first came out, but thought I'd zip through it yesterday while I had a grande at Barnes and Noble. Well, I laughed (out loud) so much that I had to have a second coffee while I lingered over this little book.

As the story begins, Junie B. is enthusiastically journaling at her school desk, and her nemesis, the know-it-all, Miss Perfect May, is tattling to Mr. Scary about Junie's every transgression. "I am a giver," says May, righteously. You are shellfish." Mr. Scary takes the twosome to the hall and warns that they will only get to sing in the Christmas program if they stop fighting. "PEACE AND GOODWILL DO NOT COME EASY," Junie B. writes in her journal, but the girls stow their squabbles while the class previews the school Christmas Store, where Junie B. falls in love with the Sqeeze-A-Burp (The Worlds' Biggest Belch-in-A-Bag!).

There's just one problem. Junie B. wants to buy it for herself, but she only has $5 from her parents to buy gifts for both of them, her baby brother Ollie, and Gramma and Grampa Miller. Knowing Grampa is the softest touch, she follows him to the laundry room and puts in a pitch for another $5. Grampa Miller feigns deep interest in sorting laundry and tries to stay noncommital until the frustrated Junie B. tries to sink the deal:

"How come you're not getting this, Grampa? It's so simple. I need $5 and you have $5. Boom! Do the math!"

Grampa Miller laughs so hard he has to sit down on the floor. Pulling out his wallet he hands over the $5 bill. "Boom! Do the math!" he laughs, and predicts that with a pitch like that, Junie B. will go far.

All set to shop, Junie B. tries to ignore May's snooping, bragging, and tattling until the big moment when Mr. Scary's class takes the stage, decked out in their green and red elf costumes. Determined to avoid trouble, Junie B. tries to position herself far from May, but pesky May glues herself right beside her. As they swing into the last chorus, Junie B.'s good intentions fail her and she softly sings

"Jingle Bells, Batman smells, P.S., so does May.
I'd throw May right off the sleigh,
And then I'd drive away."

Of course, May tattles, and poor Mr. Scary is forced to send a note home with Junie B., who is in big trouble at home. Still, Junie B.'s heart is light and her pockets heavy with her $10 the next day, that is, until she draws May's name and realizes she has to be May's Secret Santa. Unable to come up with an extra dollar for a gift, Junie B. decides that May has been so bad all year that she deserves a lump of coal from Santa anyway. Junie B. seals up a charcoal briquette in a baggie and stows it in her backpack for the big Christmas party.

At the Christmas Store Junie B. luckily grabs the very last Squeeze-A-Burp and spends her other $5 bill on five sets of tattoos for her family.

"These are the best gifts I ever bought," Junie B. says.

The Gift Lady nodded. "Yes," she says. "Tattoos and a belch. Your family will be delighted."

Back in her classroom, Junie B. gleefully stashes the Squeeze-A-Burp in her backpack next to May's lump of charcoal. One by one, the kids pick up the empty gift bags to slip their Secret Santa gifts into. With May's carefully decorated bag before her, Junie B. suddenly gets a sinking feeling inside as she pictures May's face when she discovers a lump of coal inside her Secret Santa bag. Painfully, Junie B. opens her backpack, reaches inside, and hastily, before she can change her mind, drops the precious Squeeze-A-Burp into May's bag.

May is ecstatic when she opens her Secret Santa gift. The girl with no friends suddenly finds herself surrounded by kids as she lets each one, even Junie B., squeeze out a good, loud belch.

"I think I'm being popular," May says, very stunned.

Despite her all-too-human foibles, Junie B.'s heart of gold comes through in the clutch again. For all of us less-than-perfect people who can't help harboring a secret grudge against the perfect Mays of the world, this Junie B Christmas story is a catharsis of chuckles as well as charity. As Junie B. pitches it in her final journal posting to Santa,

"Dear Santa,
I hope you were watching me just now. That's all I hope.

Love, Junie B., Giver."