More on "Kids With More": The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child by Alan Kazdin

Back on August 22 I reported on two parenting books aimed at what the authors termed "spirited" and "strong-willed" children. The first, by Robert McKenzie, was Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child, which advocated a more "tough love" approach to handling willful children. "The hard way is the clearest way" to helping these difficult children understand the rules they must follow, he states. McKenzie offers succinct advice in developing rules and setting consistent sanctions and rewards for behavior.

The second book was Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's Raising Your Spirited Child, which stressed seeing the undesirable "more than average" behaviors, e.g., more active, more sensitive, more unpredictable, more determined, as the flip side of traits which would be prized in adults--if shaped and channeled into desirable adult behaviors. Kurcinka stresses "getting to yes" with spirited children, i.e., helping them understand how the bounds of civil behavior help them reach what they also desire.

Alan Kazdin has a just-published book which takes a different approach to what he terms "the defiant child." In his The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child: With No Pills, No Therapy, No Contest of Wills, he switches parents' attention from what to do about the "bad" behavior to what is done with "good" behavior, Here is an excerpt:

First, you must shift your own focus of attention. As parents we tend to be experts on what we want our kids not to do--for example, I want him to stop whining, talking back, and ignoring me. I will teach you to focus more positively on what you do want your kids to do--When it's bedtime, I want her to go directly, quickly, and quietly to bed--and give you the tools to methodically reinforce that behavior until it replaces the behavior you don't want.

When you commit to positively reinforcing the behavior you want, you can be kinder to your child while being more systematic. We tend to fall into a trap of believing that getting serious about behavior problems means getting negative: more punishment, tougher standards, "zero tolerance." But positive reinforcement requires a very different kind of effectiveness from a parent: better praise, more purposeful rewards, greater attentiveness to a child. It draws you and your child closer together as it makes you a more effective parent.

It's the old "catch them being good" strategy. Kazdin calls it looking for the "positive opposite" of the undesirable behavior. But like the old recipe for rabbit stew ("first catch a rabbit"), getting to any positive behaviors and responding to them genuinely may be the hardest part. For example, Kazdin uses the example of ending a four-year-old's bedtime tantrums. First he suggests determining the steps of the desired behavior (going to his room, putting on pajamas, getting into bed, and staying there), and practicing and rewarding each steps of the behavior in several run-throughs before trying it in real time.

Since it is apparent that the parents are not able to reward this behavior up front because it's not happening, Kazdin walks them through his recommendations, first setting up a point chart and rewards (some short-term, some long-term with the cumulative "rocket ship to the moon" secondary chart) and then setting up situations in which children "practice" the desired behaviors and experience the rewards of the parent's praise and approval before the actual event: "Let's pretend it's bedtime. Good! (hand on shoulder) You're walking toward your bedroom. Great! I love it! Now you're putting on your p.j.'s. Wow! You're actually getting in bed! Perfect! (Pat on back, high five, or hug!) Two points for you right now. Choose a prize!" (Repeat practice whenever the mood is right, and really HAM IT UP on the praise.) If the child fails to comply at the real bedtime, put him in bed without further comment and exit, ignoring histrionics, saying "No points this time. Maybe you'll do better tomorrow."

What about punishments, especially the venerable "time-out?" "When properly used, it can be effective within limits," Kazdin says. The effectiveness of the "time-out" punishment, he stresses, depends upon the effectiveness of the "time-in" reinforcement of the desired behaviors. Kazdin also allows taking away privileges, such as television or games, if the child physically refuses to do time-out and describes how to practice the "good" time-out. He does not advocate physical punishment or loud yelling, because both model undesirable behaviors which children will promptly learn and use with peers and siblings. Kazdin also devotes several chapters to adapting his behavior model for older children and adolescents.

Karzin's approach follows the old saw that advises "You catch more flies with honey than vinegar," but it is also backed up with modern research studies which Kazdin cites. It uses the old Pavlovian principles, the same methods which animal trainers use to teach canine actors like Lassie to climb ladders and rescue Timmy from yet another well. But as Kazdin points out, it's also the method parents naturally use to "teach" children to walk; faces aglow, helping hands ready, parents heap enthusiastic praise on would-be toddlers for each intermediate step toward ambulation. And children do learn to walk!