More on Raising Kids with MORE! Parenting the Strong-Willed Child by Rex Forehand

About this time last year I had occasion to look at several books on parenting aimed at the "strong-willed" or "spirited" child, particularly the top-selling Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child : Eliminating Conflict by Establishing Clear, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries by Robert MacKenzie and Mary Kurcinka's Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, Energetic (see these and related reviews here, and if this is a hot-button issue in your household, see also the very thoughtful comments from parents to the August 22, 2007, post.)

Recently I've also looked at the revised edition of Rex Forehand's Parenting the Strong-Willed Child: The Clinically Proven Five-Week Program for Parents of Two- to Six-Year-Olds [Revised and Updated Edition]. If MacKenzie is the tough-love, learn-it-the hard-way voice, and Kurcinka is more the empathetic "let us reason together" advocate, Forehand's and Long's book offers somewhat of a third way in dealing with the sometimes difficult strong-willed child.

Although Forehand covers much of the same territory as the others--a checklist for evaluating your child for strong-willed characteristics, observational techniques for ADHD and more serious behavioral problems, and a graduated program (five-weeks in this case) for shaping the child's behavior--his book offers some strengths and techniques that the other writers do not stress.

Forehand's "step" program has five sections, to be applied chronologically to the process: 1)Attending, 2) Rewarding, 3) Ignoring, 4) Giving Directions, and 5) Using Time-Outs, followed by a sixth section called "Integrating Your Parenting Skills." Dealing with the very young (ages 2-6), Forehand and Long are less hard-nosed than MacKenzie, beginning with an initial week of "attending:"

Attending is really very simple. It allows you to tune in to your child's behavior and lets your child know that you are very interested in the positive things he does. If you think about your strong-willed child's behavior, many of your thoughts may focus on the negative aspects. Attending will give you a chance to reverse this situation by noticing some of his positive behaviors.

Beginning with dedicated play sessions with the child and then extending these to other time spent together, the parent is asked to avoid questions or directions altogether and simply comment frequently on observed behaviors, particularly any that have positive aspects, e.g., "Wow, you are stacking the blocks high," or "You're lining up all the toys." Although the authors point out that this is one of the hardest of techniques to follow, they assert that it can be very illuminating and in itself improves the relationship by building positive interactions with the young child. The authors provide for different periods of attending, advice for evaluating the sessions, and ways to practice during neutral times such as car travel and home chores. When you think about this technique, it really is just what happens in normal, pleasant, day-to-day interactions with preschool children that build normal parent-child rapport--interactions which regrettably are often limited with difficult children.

Likewise, "rewarding" follows the common-sense advice of "catch them being good" and commenting upon it positively. With the very young child, praise can be more lavish than with the older child, who quickly cues in on what the parent is up to with heavy accolades, but the authors advise that it always be cued to specific behaviors ("You really tried to stay right by me when we were shopping," rather than "You were good.") The authors also advocate special activities with the parent or privileges over extrinsic rewards such as food or toys wherever possible.

The authors also offer a very helpful section on "ignoring" non-dangerous behaviors such as whining, tantrums, pouting, and manipulative crying with these three rules:

1) No physical (touching) contact; 2) No verbal contact; and 3) No eye contact.

They counsel that the behavior will increase before it begins to decrease but that the parents must persist in ignoring a behavior once they begin until, without the pay off of attention, it begins to fade.

Particularly strong chapters include "Improving Your Communication Skills" (good for dealing with ANY age) and the very useful "Helping Your Child Solve Problems with Peers," with its four-step strategy:

1. What is the problem?
2. What are my choices? (different ways to handle the problem)
3. What would likely happen for each choice? (if...then, cause and effect)
4. What is my best choice?

Because this book is aimed at children no older than six, the authors provide really useful pre-learning exercises for helping children use the above process, including teaching the meaning and importance of such mental constructs as cause and effect (if, then) and "is versus is not," "and versus or," "some versus all," "before versus after," "now versus later," and "same versus different," which seem obvious to adults but are basic steps of thinking through which toddlers must pass in order to reason out solutions to conflict with others. As an example Forehand and Long offer a scenario in which a youngster reports that his friend snatched his toy. (Problem: the toy can only be used by one child at a time.) What are the choices? the parent asks. "Hit him? "Grab the toy?" Then what might happen next if you did? the parent asks. "He'd hit me back." "He'd try to take it back from me." "He'd go home mad." The parent asks, "Do you think that choice would work out well? "Guess not." What other choice could you make? "I play with something else?" "We put that toy away for now and both play with different things?" "Take turns playing with the toy?" Good choice, says the parent.) That example seems a bit pat until you look at the high-order thinking skills which lie behind a peaceable solution. How to teach and practice a structure for problem solving is a valuable asset of this book--suitable for the very young, but operable for older kids as well.

Since all children and parents are unique individuals, no one plan may fit every situation. Parents faced with a challenging child would do well to read several of these advice manuals and select or combine the most useful strategies for their own particular personalities and situations. A couple of books which provide for quick triage and ER protocols for parents who need help right away include 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior and 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (123 Magic), which cover the same ground lightly but may buy harried parents time to do some collateral reading, thinking, and planning.

More on "Kids With More": The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child by Alan Kazdin

Back on August 22 I reported on two parenting books aimed at what the authors termed "spirited" and "strong-willed" children. The first, by Robert McKenzie, was Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child, which advocated a more "tough love" approach to handling willful children. "The hard way is the clearest way" to helping these difficult children understand the rules they must follow, he states. McKenzie offers succinct advice in developing rules and setting consistent sanctions and rewards for behavior.

The second book was Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's Raising Your Spirited Child, which stressed seeing the undesirable "more than average" behaviors, e.g., more active, more sensitive, more unpredictable, more determined, as the flip side of traits which would be prized in adults--if shaped and channeled into desirable adult behaviors. Kurcinka stresses "getting to yes" with spirited children, i.e., helping them understand how the bounds of civil behavior help them reach what they also desire.

Alan Kazdin has a just-published book which takes a different approach to what he terms "the defiant child." In his The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child: With No Pills, No Therapy, No Contest of Wills, he switches parents' attention from what to do about the "bad" behavior to what is done with "good" behavior, Here is an excerpt:

First, you must shift your own focus of attention. As parents we tend to be experts on what we want our kids not to do--for example, I want him to stop whining, talking back, and ignoring me. I will teach you to focus more positively on what you do want your kids to do--When it's bedtime, I want her to go directly, quickly, and quietly to bed--and give you the tools to methodically reinforce that behavior until it replaces the behavior you don't want.

When you commit to positively reinforcing the behavior you want, you can be kinder to your child while being more systematic. We tend to fall into a trap of believing that getting serious about behavior problems means getting negative: more punishment, tougher standards, "zero tolerance." But positive reinforcement requires a very different kind of effectiveness from a parent: better praise, more purposeful rewards, greater attentiveness to a child. It draws you and your child closer together as it makes you a more effective parent.

It's the old "catch them being good" strategy. Kazdin calls it looking for the "positive opposite" of the undesirable behavior. But like the old recipe for rabbit stew ("first catch a rabbit"), getting to any positive behaviors and responding to them genuinely may be the hardest part. For example, Kazdin uses the example of ending a four-year-old's bedtime tantrums. First he suggests determining the steps of the desired behavior (going to his room, putting on pajamas, getting into bed, and staying there), and practicing and rewarding each steps of the behavior in several run-throughs before trying it in real time.

Since it is apparent that the parents are not able to reward this behavior up front because it's not happening, Kazdin walks them through his recommendations, first setting up a point chart and rewards (some short-term, some long-term with the cumulative "rocket ship to the moon" secondary chart) and then setting up situations in which children "practice" the desired behaviors and experience the rewards of the parent's praise and approval before the actual event: "Let's pretend it's bedtime. Good! (hand on shoulder) You're walking toward your bedroom. Great! I love it! Now you're putting on your p.j.'s. Wow! You're actually getting in bed! Perfect! (Pat on back, high five, or hug!) Two points for you right now. Choose a prize!" (Repeat practice whenever the mood is right, and really HAM IT UP on the praise.) If the child fails to comply at the real bedtime, put him in bed without further comment and exit, ignoring histrionics, saying "No points this time. Maybe you'll do better tomorrow."

What about punishments, especially the venerable "time-out?" "When properly used, it can be effective within limits," Kazdin says. The effectiveness of the "time-out" punishment, he stresses, depends upon the effectiveness of the "time-in" reinforcement of the desired behaviors. Kazdin also allows taking away privileges, such as television or games, if the child physically refuses to do time-out and describes how to practice the "good" time-out. He does not advocate physical punishment or loud yelling, because both model undesirable behaviors which children will promptly learn and use with peers and siblings. Kazdin also devotes several chapters to adapting his behavior model for older children and adolescents.

Karzin's approach follows the old saw that advises "You catch more flies with honey than vinegar," but it is also backed up with modern research studies which Kazdin cites. It uses the old Pavlovian principles, the same methods which animal trainers use to teach canine actors like Lassie to climb ladders and rescue Timmy from yet another well. But as Kazdin points out, it's also the method parents naturally use to "teach" children to walk; faces aglow, helping hands ready, parents heap enthusiastic praise on would-be toddlers for each intermediate step toward ambulation. And children do learn to walk!