Monday, July 06, 2020

Old Mother Moose Tales! Rapunzel and the Seven Dwarfs: A Maynard Moose Tale by Willy Clafin

Far away in the Northern Piney Woods there lives a storyteller named Maynard Moose. Every full moon, the animals came from far and near to hear him telling the old Mother Moose Tales~~~

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago...
... there was a girl with long, long goldie hair. Her hair was so long that it dragged out along the ground and became distremely filthified -- all full of twigs and wudgies of glop (things that you do not want to look at, much less have in your hair.)"

Rapunzel (nicknamed Ponzie), distressed by the detritus accumulating in her locks, consulted a Witch, who, unable to conjure a spell to de-tangle her hair, consigned her to a very tall tower, where her tanglified mane did not manage to reach the ground and could therefore be combed clean. However, damsels in towers being attractive to roaming princes of the knightly persuasion, one happened upon her and attempted to climb up her hair to the tower in hopes of making a gallant-ish rescue. But because of his lamentable chubbification, he proceeded to pull her out the window, where she flipped into a serendipitously adjacent lake.

Perchance, before Ponzie was totally drowdified, along came the Seven Dwarfs Plus 2--Hyper and Ambidextrous--back from the mines, who revived Ponzie and took her to their dwarfy hovel in the forest to hide from the now distremely angrified Witch.

Disgustified by Ponzie's tangled and nastified locks, the eight or nine Seven Dwarfs shaved her head, and the next morning locked her inside their hovel and, with a warning not to fall prey to any disguised witch selling things, the dwarfs went off to work, Hi Ho, Hi Ho-ing loud enough for any witch in the woods to hear them and zero in upon their rustic hovel.

So, of course, Ponzie opened the door when the Witch came along selling watermelon slices and choked on her very first over-zealous bite. In the course of events, when the eight or nine Seven Dwarfs returned, they found her completely unconshable. Not ones to miss a lucrative opportunity, the dwarfs put Ponzie in a glass box and sold tickets to all the forest amunals to see her. It certainly was a better gig than digging in the mines, until perforce the chubbified prince appeared, astride a handsome White Moose, who crashed his hooves through the glass box and kissed Ponzie, after which she climbed up on his back and rode away, hopefully with (partially) regrown hair and presumably to live happy never afterwards.

This cobbled-together tangle of traditional tales set within the frame story of the bard of the Northern Piney Forest Maynard Moose, Rapunzel and the Seven Dwarfs: A Maynard Moose Tale (August Mouse Little Folk) will delight savvy primary and middle readers who delight in the genre of a bona fide fractured fairy tale, a mashup of Rapunzel and Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, with its own glossary of Moosified vocabulary, found, as all educated kids know, in the back of the book, as Maynard's Glossary and Hoofnotes.

Other fractured fairy tales co-opted by Maynard Moose are The Uglified Ducky (Maynard Moose Tales) and The Bully Goat Grim: A Maynard Moose Tale (Maynard Moose Tales). For more fractured fairy tales for all ages, read my reviews here.

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