Kids with MORE!: Raising Your Spirited Child and Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child

In Victorian times they were called "naughty;" in mid-century they were "maladjusted" or just plain "spoiled brats." Whatever the label, "difficult" children have always been with us. Some grew up to be talented geniuses or leaders of society; some less fortunate or less well-parented did not. Now termed "strong-willed," or "spirited," we recognize these children as kids who are normal--and then some!

Authors Mary Kurcinka and Robert MacKenzie assure harried parents that these strong-willed children come with qualities which are prized in adults, but as young children who are "wired to be more," they can be strenuous to raise. Compared to the average child, such children are more persistent and yet more distractible, more energetic and active, more sensitive, more reactive and demanding more regularity in daily routines, and more extreme in mood, whether upbeat, soberly analytical, or gloomy. They have a hard time with transitions, hating to stop an activity they've committed to. They hear and see everything, it seems, except what their parents or teachers are saying to them. Some can't tolerate scratchy or too-warm clothing, crowds, or vivid sounds, smells, and lights. The normal slings and arrows of life, such as having their sandwiches cut in triangles (or not cut in triangles), can provoke long sob sessions, and a sudden change in plans can cause a tantrum.

Both authors describe these characteristics in similar terms, pointing out to struggling parents that these are temperaments which are genetic, hard-wired from birth for the most part, but also temperaments which have real strengths to be brought forth by informed and nurturing parents. Both authors offer advice about recognizing these children and the triggers which lead to "meltdown" when the child is on system overload. Kurcinka and MacKenzie offer extensive tips and behavior plans to apply to such situations as getting dressed, following directions, bedtime and sleep habits, mealtime behavior, dealing with visitors at home or away, non-routine situations such as vacations and holidays, and, of course, the big challenge--school.

Although the scope of both books is similar, there are some salient differences in style. MacKenzie's take is a bit more of a "tough love" stance. "The hard way is the clearest way for strong-willed children to learn your rules.... Strong-willed children are action learners. They require large amounts of hard data in the form of experience before they learn you mean what you say," he writes. MacKenzie's style is more succinct, with fewer anecdotes, and quickly gets down to pragmatic programs and tips for shaping behaviors in the child which help him or her mature safely and well. The text offers frequent shaded summary boxes to drive home key points. Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child is a bit more of a a how-to manual, and if time is a factor (for parents, isn't it always?) his book helps the parent start changing the child's behavior right away.

Kurcinka's book, however, has some strengths of its own. She spends more time developing and describing the characteristics of what she terms the "spirited child." For example, in her longer discussion of the extroverted and introverted child, she points out that it is not the social skills of the child by which one determines the type, but the way in which the child renews his or her energy which is crucial: extroverts recharge by talking and socializing, whereas introverts renew themselves by solitary activity and thought. She takes pains to teach re-labeling, that is, replacing pejorative labels for spirited children with favorable ones. For example, she suggests pointing out to kids whose internal clocks are irregular that their flexibility will make them great emergency room doctors or fire fighters.

Kurcinka also gives much more attention to the match between the parents' inborn temperaments and the child they seek to guide, pointing out that if a child is "spirited," it's almost certain that there is a "spirited" parent, or at least grandparent, in his or her family tree. Kurcinka also stresses the importance of "getting to yes" with the strong-willed child, respecting the nature and dignity of the child whenever possible rather than simply imposing a rule. Recipient of the Parents Choice Award and recently fully revised, Raising Your Spirited Child is substantial, with 458 pages of text, but is absorbing, deeply thoughtful, and thought-provoking reading.

My advice to the parent seeking help with a strong-willed child would be to read Robert MacKenzie's book first to jump start a behavior modification plan and then to read Mary Kurcinka's book at a more leisurely pace for further insight and more nuanced advice. If face time with a book is limited, her text is also available in audio book and audio download format.

Other books which also deal with this subject are Transforming the Difficult Child, by Howard Glasser and Jennifer Eisley, Taming the Spirited Child, by Michael Popkin, Parenting the Strong-Willed Child, by Rex Forehand, and The Everything Parent's Guide to the Strong-Willed Child, by Carl E. Pickhardt.

More on Raising Kids with MORE! Parenting the Strong-Willed Child by Rex Forehand

About this time last year I had occasion to look at several books on parenting aimed at the "strong-willed" or "spirited" child, particularly the top-selling Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child : Eliminating Conflict by Establishing Clear, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries by Robert MacKenzie and Mary Kurcinka's Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, Energetic (see these and related reviews here, and if this is a hot-button issue in your household, see also the very thoughtful comments from parents to the August 22, 2007, post.)

Recently I've also looked at the revised edition of Rex Forehand's Parenting the Strong-Willed Child: The Clinically Proven Five-Week Program for Parents of Two- to Six-Year-Olds [Revised and Updated Edition]. If MacKenzie is the tough-love, learn-it-the hard-way voice, and Kurcinka is more the empathetic "let us reason together" advocate, Forehand's and Long's book offers somewhat of a third way in dealing with the sometimes difficult strong-willed child.

Although Forehand covers much of the same territory as the others--a checklist for evaluating your child for strong-willed characteristics, observational techniques for ADHD and more serious behavioral problems, and a graduated program (five-weeks in this case) for shaping the child's behavior--his book offers some strengths and techniques that the other writers do not stress.

Forehand's "step" program has five sections, to be applied chronologically to the process: 1)Attending, 2) Rewarding, 3) Ignoring, 4) Giving Directions, and 5) Using Time-Outs, followed by a sixth section called "Integrating Your Parenting Skills." Dealing with the very young (ages 2-6), Forehand and Long are less hard-nosed than MacKenzie, beginning with an initial week of "attending:"

Attending is really very simple. It allows you to tune in to your child's behavior and lets your child know that you are very interested in the positive things he does. If you think about your strong-willed child's behavior, many of your thoughts may focus on the negative aspects. Attending will give you a chance to reverse this situation by noticing some of his positive behaviors.

Beginning with dedicated play sessions with the child and then extending these to other time spent together, the parent is asked to avoid questions or directions altogether and simply comment frequently on observed behaviors, particularly any that have positive aspects, e.g., "Wow, you are stacking the blocks high," or "You're lining up all the toys." Although the authors point out that this is one of the hardest of techniques to follow, they assert that it can be very illuminating and in itself improves the relationship by building positive interactions with the young child. The authors provide for different periods of attending, advice for evaluating the sessions, and ways to practice during neutral times such as car travel and home chores. When you think about this technique, it really is just what happens in normal, pleasant, day-to-day interactions with preschool children that build normal parent-child rapport--interactions which regrettably are often limited with difficult children.

Likewise, "rewarding" follows the common-sense advice of "catch them being good" and commenting upon it positively. With the very young child, praise can be more lavish than with the older child, who quickly cues in on what the parent is up to with heavy accolades, but the authors advise that it always be cued to specific behaviors ("You really tried to stay right by me when we were shopping," rather than "You were good.") The authors also advocate special activities with the parent or privileges over extrinsic rewards such as food or toys wherever possible.

The authors also offer a very helpful section on "ignoring" non-dangerous behaviors such as whining, tantrums, pouting, and manipulative crying with these three rules:

1) No physical (touching) contact; 2) No verbal contact; and 3) No eye contact.

They counsel that the behavior will increase before it begins to decrease but that the parents must persist in ignoring a behavior once they begin until, without the pay off of attention, it begins to fade.

Particularly strong chapters include "Improving Your Communication Skills" (good for dealing with ANY age) and the very useful "Helping Your Child Solve Problems with Peers," with its four-step strategy:

1. What is the problem?
2. What are my choices? (different ways to handle the problem)
3. What would likely happen for each choice? (if...then, cause and effect)
4. What is my best choice?

Because this book is aimed at children no older than six, the authors provide really useful pre-learning exercises for helping children use the above process, including teaching the meaning and importance of such mental constructs as cause and effect (if, then) and "is versus is not," "and versus or," "some versus all," "before versus after," "now versus later," and "same versus different," which seem obvious to adults but are basic steps of thinking through which toddlers must pass in order to reason out solutions to conflict with others. As an example Forehand and Long offer a scenario in which a youngster reports that his friend snatched his toy. (Problem: the toy can only be used by one child at a time.) What are the choices? the parent asks. "Hit him? "Grab the toy?" Then what might happen next if you did? the parent asks. "He'd hit me back." "He'd try to take it back from me." "He'd go home mad." The parent asks, "Do you think that choice would work out well? "Guess not." What other choice could you make? "I play with something else?" "We put that toy away for now and both play with different things?" "Take turns playing with the toy?" Good choice, says the parent.) That example seems a bit pat until you look at the high-order thinking skills which lie behind a peaceable solution. How to teach and practice a structure for problem solving is a valuable asset of this book--suitable for the very young, but operable for older kids as well.

Since all children and parents are unique individuals, no one plan may fit every situation. Parents faced with a challenging child would do well to read several of these advice manuals and select or combine the most useful strategies for their own particular personalities and situations. A couple of books which provide for quick triage and ER protocols for parents who need help right away include 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior and 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (123 Magic), which cover the same ground lightly but may buy harried parents time to do some collateral reading, thinking, and planning.

More on "Kids With More": The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child by Alan Kazdin

Back on August 22 I reported on two parenting books aimed at what the authors termed "spirited" and "strong-willed" children. The first, by Robert McKenzie, was Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child, which advocated a more "tough love" approach to handling willful children. "The hard way is the clearest way" to helping these difficult children understand the rules they must follow, he states. McKenzie offers succinct advice in developing rules and setting consistent sanctions and rewards for behavior.

The second book was Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's Raising Your Spirited Child, which stressed seeing the undesirable "more than average" behaviors, e.g., more active, more sensitive, more unpredictable, more determined, as the flip side of traits which would be prized in adults--if shaped and channeled into desirable adult behaviors. Kurcinka stresses "getting to yes" with spirited children, i.e., helping them understand how the bounds of civil behavior help them reach what they also desire.

Alan Kazdin has a just-published book which takes a different approach to what he terms "the defiant child." In his The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child: With No Pills, No Therapy, No Contest of Wills, he switches parents' attention from what to do about the "bad" behavior to what is done with "good" behavior, Here is an excerpt:

First, you must shift your own focus of attention. As parents we tend to be experts on what we want our kids not to do--for example, I want him to stop whining, talking back, and ignoring me. I will teach you to focus more positively on what you do want your kids to do--When it's bedtime, I want her to go directly, quickly, and quietly to bed--and give you the tools to methodically reinforce that behavior until it replaces the behavior you don't want.

When you commit to positively reinforcing the behavior you want, you can be kinder to your child while being more systematic. We tend to fall into a trap of believing that getting serious about behavior problems means getting negative: more punishment, tougher standards, "zero tolerance." But positive reinforcement requires a very different kind of effectiveness from a parent: better praise, more purposeful rewards, greater attentiveness to a child. It draws you and your child closer together as it makes you a more effective parent.

It's the old "catch them being good" strategy. Kazdin calls it looking for the "positive opposite" of the undesirable behavior. But like the old recipe for rabbit stew ("first catch a rabbit"), getting to any positive behaviors and responding to them genuinely may be the hardest part. For example, Kazdin uses the example of ending a four-year-old's bedtime tantrums. First he suggests determining the steps of the desired behavior (going to his room, putting on pajamas, getting into bed, and staying there), and practicing and rewarding each steps of the behavior in several run-throughs before trying it in real time.

Since it is apparent that the parents are not able to reward this behavior up front because it's not happening, Kazdin walks them through his recommendations, first setting up a point chart and rewards (some short-term, some long-term with the cumulative "rocket ship to the moon" secondary chart) and then setting up situations in which children "practice" the desired behaviors and experience the rewards of the parent's praise and approval before the actual event: "Let's pretend it's bedtime. Good! (hand on shoulder) You're walking toward your bedroom. Great! I love it! Now you're putting on your p.j.'s. Wow! You're actually getting in bed! Perfect! (Pat on back, high five, or hug!) Two points for you right now. Choose a prize!" (Repeat practice whenever the mood is right, and really HAM IT UP on the praise.) If the child fails to comply at the real bedtime, put him in bed without further comment and exit, ignoring histrionics, saying "No points this time. Maybe you'll do better tomorrow."

What about punishments, especially the venerable "time-out?" "When properly used, it can be effective within limits," Kazdin says. The effectiveness of the "time-out" punishment, he stresses, depends upon the effectiveness of the "time-in" reinforcement of the desired behaviors. Kazdin also allows taking away privileges, such as television or games, if the child physically refuses to do time-out and describes how to practice the "good" time-out. He does not advocate physical punishment or loud yelling, because both model undesirable behaviors which children will promptly learn and use with peers and siblings. Kazdin also devotes several chapters to adapting his behavior model for older children and adolescents.

Karzin's approach follows the old saw that advises "You catch more flies with honey than vinegar," but it is also backed up with modern research studies which Kazdin cites. It uses the old Pavlovian principles, the same methods which animal trainers use to teach canine actors like Lassie to climb ladders and rescue Timmy from yet another well. But as Kazdin points out, it's also the method parents naturally use to "teach" children to walk; faces aglow, helping hands ready, parents heap enthusiastic praise on would-be toddlers for each intermediate step toward ambulation. And children do learn to walk!

911 for Parents: Have a New Kid by Friday by Kevin Leman

For frazzled parents who can't get through to The Nanny but need help yesterday, best-selling media family psychologist Kevin Leman has a brand-new parent-help book out, Have a New Kid by Friday: How to Change Your Child's Attitude, Behavior & Character in 5 Days, which promises improvement by next week..

Actually, he promises to get you ready to start in five days, having absorbed his general schema for encouraging desired behavior on Monday through Friday. He swears you'll be saying, "I can't wait for my kids to misbehave. I'm ready for them." If that sounds a bit flip, it's only Leman's characteristic dry wit at work. His very sensible, down-to-earth advice is dealt out with an honest humor honed by many stints as psychological talking head on programs from Good Morning, America to Oprah.

"There's a conspiracy going on right in your own home. The ankle biter battalion and the hormone group each have a game plan guaranteed to drive you up the wall," Leman writes. "They are part of the entitlement group." Leman's thesis is that the parents' job is not to make their children "happy" or filled with "self-esteem." "Nothing in life is a free ride," he points out. Children gain, not "self-esteem," but self-worth by being responsible members of a family, by being responsible for the outcomes of their actions. Here are his three rules of thumb:

1. Let reality be the teacher where you can (unless, of course, serious safety issues are involved).

2. Learn to respond, not react personally, to children's behavior.

3. Use the B doesn't happen until A is completed strategy, as in "I didn't like the way you acted when I asked you to clear the table. I'm not driving you to Josh's house today." (Turn and walk away)

As he points out, somewhat to our surprise, parents really hold all the cards. We have the money, we have the food, we have the cars, and, most of all, we have what kids want the most--our attention and approval, he emphasizes.

Leman is not advocating parental detachment. He reminds the reader that all children, tots to teens, want and need their parents' attention and approval desperately. His three pillars for building a solid sense of self worth are to help the child feel 1)unconditional acceptance 2) a sense of belonging to a family, and 3)a sense of personal competence. Approval, however, should not be in the form of praise which tells the child how "good" he is, but which encourages good "actions." (Not "You are so totally wonderful," but "I noticed how you came up with a way to help your little sister find her toy without being asked.")

Leman's quick-fix manual contains a very useful alphabetical section of tips on problem areas from "Bedtime" to "Wardrobe," (where he points out that "Children wear costumes every day; they may look like clothes but they are actually carefully thought-out costumes.") Aimed at the mostly garden variety parent-child conflicts, rather than the so-called "spirited" or "strong-willed" child, Leman offers his newest guide to solutions for common child-raising hassles. For a somewhat more detailed look at strategies for child raising, you might also take a look at Leman's best-selling classic Making Children Mind without Losing Yours.

Born to Be Wild: The Wild Queen--The Days and Nights of Mary Queen of Scots by Caroline Meyer

"I was the cause of my father's death.

My father had badly wanted a son who could be the next king. When he married my mother, a French duchess, he already had three illegitimate sons, but by law a bastard could not inherit the Scottish throne. My mother bore him two more sons; both infants died. I was my father’s last hope, and when the news reached him of the birth of a lass—a girl—that bitter disappointment was more than he could endure. Had I been a boy, he would still be alive.

From my earliest days I have too often found myself at the center of disastrous events. That was the first. My birth killed my father, and I became queen of Scotland."

This dramatic story, likely apocryphally attributed to the anti-feminist John Knox, embodies the perils of constructing historical accounts of early queens, about whom what is known must be regarded as questionable, written as it in the interests of enemies and succesors. Nevertheless, it is believable that this Queen Mary felt herself born under a dark star, but a woman with a mission to preserve her embattled realm.

Crowned Queen of Scotland as a nine-month's old babe, the only legal heir to the throne, Mary's French mother quickly had her betrothed to young Prince Edward, heir to the throne of Henry VIII in hopes of preventing an English invasion and takeover of Scotland. But when little Edward died, Mary's mother, a member of the powerful Guise family in France, then sought a new alliance, betrothing her to Francoise, Dauphin of France, two years her junior. While her mother remained in Scotland to rule as regent for the child queen, at the age of five, Mary was dispatched to the court of Henry II to be educated and prepared to be the queen of France. Mary became Marie, quickly learned French, became a favorite of the King of France, and enjoyed the support of her Guise grandparents and uncles, and she and the delicate Dauphin became close, more like big sister and little brother than future consorts.

Mary and the still immature Francois were married in 1558. Marie gloried in the role of queen of two countries, but when her frail child-husband died suddenly, young Mary found herself in the powerless role of the virgin dowager Queen of France. To escape the swirling and dangerous politics of the French court and rumors of a forced marriage to the various eligible royalty of Europe, Mary boldly took matters in her own hands and determined to return to Scotland to rule as Queen of Scots.

But Queen Mary found herself equally imperiled by the religious and power politics of Britain. As a devout Roman Catholic, she had a powerful enemy in both John Knox, the extreme Calvinist leader in her own country, and in her cousin, Queen Elizabeth I of England, herself equally threatened by Catholic factions within the nobility of England. Realizing that she needed a powerful consort to help her control her own warring nobility, Mary finally married her twenty-year-old cousin, the bold and handsome Henry Stuart, who had the virtue, at over six feet, of being slightly taller than the regal Mary, and the vice of being already a notorious womanizer. The passionate marriage, which resulted in the birth of one son, James, soon turned into a battle royal, a miniature version of the state of the country itself.

When Henry Stuart's residence was blown up and he was found dead in the garden, the rumors flew that Mary had had him murdered. The country was split along lines of blood loyalty and religion, and unable to regain control, Mary first sought support in a hasty marriage with James Hepburn, Earl of Bothwell, but was eventually forced to flee to England, petitioning the protection of her cousin Elizabeth. Feeling threatened by the loyalties to Mary of English Catholics and Mary's own claim to the throne of England as the legitimate great-granddaughter of England's Henry VIII, Elizabeth had her imprisoned and finally after eighteen years confined in the Tower of London, and, finally tried for the murder of her husband Henry Stuart, Mary was dramatically beheaded in 1587.

Carolyn Meyer's forthcoming The Wild Queen: The Days and Nights of Mary, Queen of Scots (Young Royals) (Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2012), is the latest in her notable and best-selling The Young Royals series, skillfully building a taut, engrossing piece of historical fiction out of the known and legendary events of this doomed queen's life. As in the lives of modern women leaders, young adult readers cannot help but come to a deeper understanding of the gender, marital, social, and religious politics which shaped the rule and fate of this early female ruler and the parallel story of her cousin and sometimes enemy Elizabeth I of England. Both red-haired, intelligent, and strong willed, these women played a pivotal roles in the beginnings of the modern era and all that came after, and Meyer's The Wild Queen, in its gripping style and historical veracity, (insofar as that is possible) sheds much light upon the forces that faced these young royals and shaped the western world.

Ironically, this Mary, as one of the two queens of this era of Britain, has the last word in history: Elizabeth the Virgin Queen, having died without issue, Mary's son, James, as the only legitimate heir, succeeded her as King James I of the now united kingdom, which ensured that Mary, Queen of Scots, became the direct progenitor of British monarchs to this day.

Carolyn Meyer's Young Royals books include the stories of Mary's cousin, Mary, Bloody Mary,of her French mother-in-law, Duchessina: A Novel of Catherine de' Medici (Young Royals), and of that other doomed French queen whose forced political marriage resulted in great historical changes, The Bad Queen: Rules and Instructions for Marie-Antoinette. Like these earlier works, Meyer includes an appendix with sources for further study on Mary, Queen of Scots.